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I woke up late today. Last night, I couldn't sleep again, as usual. I suffered from insomnia for most of the night. This is my worst nightmare because I know that sleeplessness leads to all kinds of sickness and problems.

However, I made no attempt to fix my sleep schedule. Sometimes, I feel as if I am passively committing suicide. All I do is just wait. Today and tomorrow, I won’t work. I have no job. I have nothing to do. I feel completely empty.

I have no motivation for any topics or life goals. In March, one of my students defends their thesis, and I have to go to Berlin. I guess this situation leads to some anxiety in me. I don’t feel ready, and these Germans are not very friendly to me. If I had told the truth, I would say that this thesis is a disaster. As the second advisor, I have to defend my student and the thesis, but I don’t know how to defend this thesis because it’s simply impossible.

So, I don't want to go to Berlin because everyone will have to face shame and frustration. I don’t want to think this way, but I care about what these Germans think of me. If they think I am an incompetent and mediocre advisor, this won’t be good for my reputation.